ihatesarahpalin.com: the great phone debacle of 08

Listening to this one has to wonder should I laugh or cry? What it really comes down to is this woman can't even be trusted to answer her own phone.......she's so special

Vote ya bastards

The last week of the presidential campaign pits a man whose thirty minute infomercial had me sobbing on my couch like a baby, against an old crazy white man with a comb over and his psychopathic running mate with a beehive. The good news for McCain is he got endorsed by Osama bin Laden, who incidentally is also writing a book. Because apparently laptops work in caves. The scary thing is despite all rational evidence which points to the fact that it would be a monumentally idiotic idea to put McCain in the white house. The geezer still has a chance. If you are wondering how motivated you should be to get your morbidly obese American ass of your Ikea couch and waddle down to the polls try plugging your demographics into the slate vote o meter. If you aren't in the American green, dangle a dunkin donut in front of yourself and come on down. America needs you.

All up in my grill

Friday night was a complete disaster on most accounts. The bars were packed and the crowd was bad. I drank too many vodkas and got into an argument with a friend. Or maybe the argument came before the vodkas, hard to say. Either way, the argument wasn't the interesting part. What both amazed and surprised me was other peoples reaction's to my description of this argument and my reasoning behind it. Some of my friends immediately understood it with little explanation needed. Others were completely baffled as to how I could have possibly been upset about something like that.

Being the somewhat odd person that I am, I decided to do a little bit of research into why people get so offended in social situations. "People" being myself in this instance. As it turns out, people don't really act rationally. Unless they are brain damaged that is. Rationalism is just a myth perpetrated by economists who don't have contact with other humans, only money. In fact, experiments have shown that people will often act irrationally if they perceive that they are being treated unfairly. They will respond by "punishing" the other person for treating them badly rather than acting in their ultimate best interest. I was going to give an example of this from my own personal life but there are so many I became overwhelmed and couldn't think of just one.....hmmmmm. Shocking. Apparently, our ability to judge whether or not we are being treated fairly emerges before our language skills do. Maybe since I have an advanced vocabulary, I also have a highly fine tuned sense of fairness.............damn those GRE flash cards. I guess there is something to be said for reading at a sixth grade level.

The final leg of my research revealed another interesting fact. For better or worse, my sense of morality and fairness is not only triggered in response to a perceived slight against myself. I also have been known to become highly incensed on behalf of both friends and strangers. Some friends, particularly those who avoid conflict like the plague, find my strong public reactions upsetting. For example, several months ago I was riding the train and became highly agitated that a man was preaching against gay people. I think he was talking to this girl on my left with a pretty red flag homo hair cut. As everyone else tried to go to their happy place I proceeded to tell the man that he was actually diarrheaing in his mouth and then try to stick my toe in his butt. Granted it wasn't the most mature response but one that I felt was fitting given the situation. Relating this story to a friend later she was horrified and unable to understand why I felt the need to react or respond. Well to her I say, because it is science.
These moral enforcers are vital to society. Frans de Waal writes that experiments with macaques show that if you remove the individuals who perform this policing function, hostilities increase among the entire band.
Keeping the social order my friend, keeping the social order.

This is all to say that hostilities are an unfortunate but inevitable part of social exchanges. Fairness and reciprocity are ingrained and if slighted we will react. We will also react on the part of others. So I guess it is only natural that upon hearing my story some people reacted to my offended sense of fairness and other were offended by what they perceived as a the lack of fairness on my part towards my friend.....

What a sticky wicket.

ihatesarahpalin.com: sarah goes to the white house

I have a riddle for you.

Q: What could be worse that a forest fire started by a flaming squirrel?

A: Sarah Palin in the White House

Be sure to wait for the dinosaurs to pass the White House and open the door twice to see Katie Couric.

Me and Carole

Today I broke up with my therapist. I went to my session expecting to discuss my relationship with my parents for the hundredth time and instead I found myself discussing my therapists lack of personality. It went much like many of my other break ups. I told her she couldn't emote, and she told me I was being to critical. Et tu brute.

And I ran, I ran so far away.......

Every time an election goes "the wrong way" (or in this instance a primary) my mother threatens to leave the country. Usually she become so incensed at the thought of having to live under the rule of some despot that fleeing to a foreign land is preferable than suffering under a Republican's rule. But the dilemma always is, where to go.......which land to flee to.

To our money we say: bye bye bye

I have to admit I have been able to remain somewhat impervious to the whole economic crisis based on the fact that I have no money and I don't anticipate having any in the future. Im sure it is affecting me some how like the job market will be tighter than George Bush's brown eye when I try to get into it in May or my parents won't be able to retire until their 95. But that all seems so far away and lets face it, I don't have the attention span to think that far in advance.

This doesn't mean that I don't still have flashes of intense rage when I learn things like that the CEO of Lehman Brothers took home 300 million dollars in compensation in the last 8 years. Somehow for him this is evidence that "the system worked". What system was that? The make sure the economy explodes into a flaming ball of shit system.

I have decided that America needs to see these men pay. The men who tanked our economy, made millions, and then just walked away. I think that by making them pay we will all regain something as individuals and as a country. Some of you are probably screaming the stocks, the stocks (thats crucible stocks not money ones).......ahhhhh but wouldn't it be better if after months of rehearsals and an artfully crafted red wig we made Richard Fuld, the head of AIG, Fannie Mae and Fannie Mac star in this on national tv.....



I know I would feel better.

Short Sellin....

These guys presented their business to my class yesterday and this was what they closed with. Ahhhhh the banter.

Story 1: Crossing the Line

So one of my new things is listening to the Moth story podcast and thinking to myself that I should go and tell one of my stories there. However, I have this problem speaking in front of large crowds. When I get the blank stare my hands start sweating profusely and I kind of black out. I decided the way to approach this issue was baby steps. Start by telling the story to my computer and end by telling it to a room full of drunk people. So here is the first story......it takes a little while to load so give it a hot minute.

Economic Meltdown 101

The economy stuff is so damn confusing....well sort of. Apparently its particularly confusing to the experts who are supposed to be regulating it. This is why we should be scared. If the guys in charge of oversight don't understand what they are overseeing, well that is a problem. For more clarity on the economic meltdown of 08, download this weeks edition of This American Life. The guys who did this one, had a podcast on the housing crisis awhile back that made me feel outraged and dirty. Hopefully this one will do the same......

Make More Art

Instant Grant Program from Steve Lambert on Vimeo.

Presidential Elections: Bite Sized

Sometimes we all just need to stop and think to ourselves what in the christ is going on with this presidential campaign. To sort through all those moments of hair helmets, teenage pregnancy, JFK channeling, hockey mom chanting, lipstick wearing, denture gleaming to try and figure out...what does it all mean. Luckily for you, or rather me since I am hung over from my 12 hour binge, Slate does all this heavy lifting for us by summing it up in three little minutes. Three little minutes that would be a lot funnier if it wasn't so damn real.

My thoughts on the debate.......

I decided to take a break from Wii'ing to take a gander at the train wreak we call the VP "debate". First I am wondering if Sarah Palin's practicing for the debate involved sticking something in her ass, after they moved her own head aside to make room. She's looking a little stiff. As I am sitting here trying to make sense of the poo that is streaming from her mouth, I find myself left with some questions.

• Who the fuck is Joe Six Pack and why is he touching my hockey mom?

• What is up with the soccer moms now, they should ask her a question about title nine. It seems like it might be the only question she is qualified to answer.

• Who is Joe's dentist? His teeth look great. I bet he could crack nuts with them. I hope he cracks hers.
  

• Why is she reciting her resume.....can she please answer the fucking questions. I miss Tim Russett.
  

• Watching this makes me what to have beer with Joe and kick Sarah in the uterus on the way out the door

• At least she just admitted she has no experience and hasn't put any substantial issues on the table. Good for her. Honesty about ignorance is always the best policy.

• Did she bedazzle her own flag pin?

• Why does she make energy production sound pornographic.......I hope Joe drills her.

• Can someone give her some pom poms? She is like some kind of conservative pill head cheerleader.

• Did she really just say there are safe, stable ways to use nuclear weapons? Ohhh Matt Damon, how right you are to not want to give her the codes.
  

I find myself losing interest....good thing for DVR. I think I must return to Wii. I wish I could text Joe and tell him that Sarah is playing snake in the grass. She is pretending to be nice Joe....SHE HAS TEETH IN HER VAGINA JOE. He needs to break her and then tell the country he did it for us, to save us. Please save us Joe.

ihatesarahpalin.com: the great debates

Well tomorrow's the big day, and if her interviews with Katie Couric are any indication. It's gonna be a doozer. My co-worker is convinced that Sarah won't even make it to the big show. That some "emergency" will befall her. Maybe they will have Cheney shoot her in the foot accidentally so she can avoid the whole boondoogle. Either way, put on your Palin hair helmets and strap in for the ride....

Congratulations....your money is still on fire

Now that your money has all been flushed down the shitter by the tanking of the stock market you are probably wondering how to make a make/save a few bucks. Here's a few tips from Salon and yours truly.

10 - Have sex with Brittney Spears and then sell the tape for money

9 - Bet your money on America, and the rest of the free world's political future.

8 - Cats make good eatin'.

7 - Here's a cost-saving tip: your "recreational" cocaine habit can easily be replaced with huffing glue.

6 - Remember saying this? "If I didn't have to work all day, I'd have the energy and enthusiasm to write that novel." Congratulations!

5 - Although pimping looks like a good cash-n-carry business to get into, remember you are not the only one who thought of it. It might be a good idea to form a syndicate with other new pimps in your neighborhood to save costs on fur-covered cowboy hats and shiny pants.

4 - You can break into most mom-n-pop pharmacies with nothing more than a crowbar and a little sweat. Move fast; you only have approximately 4 - 8 minutes before the police show up.

3 - A little etiquette can pay big dividends later: Remember to say "please" and "thank you" when committing armed robbery.

2 - Your parents never use that home-gym equipment - do not take their protestations that they have re-modeled your old room too seriously.

1 - Although a hand-cranked siphoning pump seems like an extravagance in these times, the taste of gasoline is very unpleasant. Don't consider this to be an 'expense' so much as an 'investment.'

Stealing

STEALING FROM THE RICH from ABOVE on Vimeo.

New York City is a place of a million contradictions. A place where the big swinging dicks of wall street go downtown to spend thousands of dollars to play in the box. It is also the place where men wheel giant towers of mismatched belongings plucked from the trash in urban mobile homes courtesy of home depot. Everyday on the subway I watch people turn away from the poor, the addicted and the homeless. No doubt thinking to themselves that giving them a dollar is a waste because its just going to get them another hit. As if they can exist on air and crack alone. Usually they just turn away from the disinterest, the scorn and sometimes even people's fear. But sometimes, they don't. Those are the rare and wonderful times and I was lucky enough to see one just the other day.

I was riding the train to the upper west side standing next to this tall blonde woman in some hideous outfit that was supposed to look expensive. At the next stop a woman got on the train, looking like a complete mess. She was filthy, her clothes didn't fit her, and she was cut all over. She began by asking the train for a couple dollars to get some food. As I began rooting through my things for a dollar I noticed that the blonde was frantically trying to edge away from this woman. Clearly, the woman noticed as well and she started say VERY loudly. "You don't have to run away from me. I am just a human being, just like you and what I have is not contagious." Apparently the shock of all this over powered the blonde's recent botox treatments because I actually saw her face move as she continued to inch away. At this point we reached the next stop and as people got off the blonde rushed down the train car and sat in an open seat. Undeterred the woman followed her loudly repeating a variation on the don't run away from me theme. At this point the entire car was silent and watching as the woman towered over the blonde. She leaned down into the blondes face with her finger extended and said...."you should be fucking ashamed of yourself to treat me like this". Then she stood up and walked away.

The Palin and McCain Dong Show

Sarah Palin may not be have any foreign policy experience but she sure knows her geography.


Watch CBS Videos Online

I also think I figured out what is making its nest inside Sarah Palin's hair helmet.

Also, thank you Letterman for reminding us of what a complete idiot McCain is for acting like his is the one man calvary that is going to give the economy mouth to mouth resuscitation. And for pointing out, at least twenty three times in two minutes, that Sarah Palin's own campaign won't even put her in charge.

Do your duty. Watch the debates.

Gas Bags Part Deux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm2DcWerIVg

In light of all the economic and political disasters that are upon us, I would like to talk about the very weighty topic of farting. Why is farting so funny? My dad is 60 years old and he still thinks that one of the funniest things is when he runs up to my mom while she is watching t.v. and farts on her head. He is also a huge fan of farting in public, like lifting his leg and letting it rip, in elevators, in restaurants, really anywhere. The central place that farting has occupied in their marriage is probably what led my mother to send me this article. I think it was her attempt to warn me, that when it comes to breaking wind, there are risks involved. Risks to your underwear, risks to the air quality of others around you, and as this article shows, risks to your freedom.

Love at First Sight

I don't know if I want to be Hank, date Hank, or I wish Hank had been my dad. Thank god for therapy.

Gas Bags

I heart these guys.

Pray in the Gay

A few notables in the land of homodome.

• Brad Pitt donates money to help fight the haters in California. Thanks Brad, now can you do us another favor and stop bogarting Angelina. You can keep the kids.

• Anderson Cooper has a harem. Can you please come out already, your f'ing killing us? Everyone knows your a homo. Could you just take one for the team and let the public know that yes, gay men can do serious news.
  

• Some guy who is either a total pervert or has the best sense of humor ever is rewriting Brokeback Mountain. This time set in NYC, here's an excerpt.

"In my Brokeback slash fiction, Jack and Ennis move to Brooklyn, buy a pug that they like to dress in sweaters and take on the subway and to people's houses where it chases the cats and bites people but they don't realize how annoying this is it because it's their child-substitute. Jack gets a design degree at Parson's and starts his own decorating firm and Ennis works in media. Ennis becomes pedantic about wine. Jack takes vacations by himself. The end."

Ihatesarahpalin.com : The Weekly Round-up

• Alaska held its biggest political rally ever. With 1,400 people this massive show of force stretched for about 50 yards down the side of the road by the library. And they say public engagement in this country is dead. What prompted Alaskans to but down their moose pillows and venture out into the spotlight. A common hatred of Sarah Palin! Yay Alaska.

• Sarah Palin had her yahoo account hacked. What a dick.

• Even John McCain's Victory manager ex CEO Carly doesn't think Palin is "qualified" per se.
  

• Now Matt Damon is concerned. Thank you Matt for comparing the candidacy of Sarah Palin to a bad Disney movie and gently reminding us that perhaps giving her the nuclear codes is not the way forward.

And now for the fun stuff

• If you were one of Sarah's brainwashed offspring, what would she have named you?

• The are now Sarah Palin "action" figures. If by action you mean a vagina lined with teeth just waiting to eat Ken's head.
  

Thank you Laura, Matt, Joanna and Beth.........this stuffs the jam.

The Fallen

I unexpectedly came across this article today, about a reporter who was trying to find the name of one of the unknown men who jumped from the world trade towers on September 11th. Some of you may have seen his picture before, the one that appears at the front of the article. It was printed only once in most of the major newspapers and then removed. Apparently due to outcry and the decision by the media that it was too graphic and disrespectful for America to see and them to show. This doesn't surprise me. America has never wanted to look too closely at suffering.

The picture is difficult to look at even after so many years. It is amazing how one picture of one man can become a symbol of so much to so many. I think the picture is a looking glass of sorts, in it you see a reflection of some part of yourself. When I see it, I think of all the difficult and heart wrenching choices that I have made in my life and watched people I know make in theirs. Choices that changed things so dramatically and that once committed you couldn't turn back from. Choices that people make every day. That are impossible to know, before you make them, what the effects will be not only on your life but on those who your life touches, and even those who bear witness to the choice.

This is what the author saw. But maybe he didn't jump from the window as a betrayal of love or because he lost hope. Maybe he jumped to fulfill the terms of a miracle. Maybe he jumped to come home to his family. Maybe he didn't jump at all, because no one can jump into the arms of God.

What do you see.......

Boys Who Hit Girls

Recently a girl I went to high school with got married. A lot of my friends from high school went because apparently they all made some secret pact that I was not part of that has something to do with needing to marry a guy you went to high school with. Its kind of like they think they are royalty but haven't got the memo on the effects of inbreeding. Either way, I wasn't invited. I can think of two potential reasons for this.

1. I slept with the bride. Although so did half the grooms wedding party so that probably wasn't the issue*
2. My ex was there with his new girlfriend whose picture I just saw for the first time. Let me put it this way, its not often that you get to see your first picture of your ex's new person and they look like....well let me put it this way, I'm sure she is a very nice girl. When those moments come, savor them.

*None of this is to imply there is anything wrong with having a healthy sex life. If I got into finger pointing over numbers, lets face it....hello this is pot to kettle. Come in. Really I am just setting the stage for the events of the night.

At said wedding after party, an unfortunate incident took place where the boyfriend of a girl I grew up with threatened to punch her in the face. He then proceeded to grab her by the arm and throw her down. Guess what everyone did...all thirty of them, many of whom have also grown up with this girl. Nothing. With the glaring exception of this guy who shall remain nameless but let me just say is one of the best men I know. My point in all this is, if you see a girl getting hit, if you think a girl is getting hit...DON'T JUST STAND THERE. If you do, you are an asshole.

What's the Stock Market?

I just want to pause for a moment today and reflect. How often are there days when I am actually grateful that all I own in the world is in my checking account and the idea of watching stocks fluctuate because I actually own them is laughable? A day when I try to see "both sides" and figure out why I should be feeling bad that the frat boy finance wonders of wall street are going to get laid off by the thousands. (After extensive internet based research I came to the conclusion that this actually may be bad for the city because now we can't tax the crap out of their ridiculously high wages). Either way....no matter how many benjamins you have in the bank, loosing your job just blows. So this goes out to all my pinstripe wearing, company lunch eating, black car taking, hommies from the streets of lower Manhattan. Keep on keeping on.

Sarah Palin takes the short bus to the White House

As I was reading the times this morning while laying on the sand like a hung over octopus, I found yet another article about how Sarah Palin is an insane harpy. I was so pissed I jumped up and attempted to cool my jets in the ocean. An attempt which was quickly thwarted by a jelly fish the size of Rhode Island that I saw blobbing its way towards my lower leg. Being mindful of my last jellyfish experience, which involved an unpleasantly stinging labia, I quickly ran away from the water towards my towel. As I flopped down in disgust I was greeted by a lovely sight. The man on the chair in front of me had on little swim trucks that were so tight his balls were poking out the sides gasping for air. Needless to say it made me wonder if jellyfish weren't so bad after all.

Some how Sarah Palin was to blame for all of it, the jellyfish, the balls.....and so I am posting this clip as part of my commitment to start the I HATE SARAH PALIN movement, now also known as the I love Tina Fey movement. Try to get past the first couple seconds. You know its getting good when Sarah Palin tells us that global warming is just god hugging us tight......kind of like that man's shorts on the beach today.

Put on your purple sneakers and lace up

America needs to lay off the kool aid. Why, because some psychotic moose hunting douche bag has a potential shot at getting into the white house. This is so fundamentally fucked up and wrong it makes me want to move to Kazakhstan and have babies with a goat. Its a stark reminder that we live in a world where completely unqualified lunatic Christan girl scout leaders can become important and old men can drive for three miles with a person stuck in their windshield because they think they fell out of the sky. If this is all making you want to crawl in a hole and pee yourself for comfort, don't worry. I'm right there with you.

September 11th among other things

I am currently working in downtown York City, a couple blocks from the World Trade Center. I have a red backpack under my desk to account for my proximity. It contains everything that the city thinks I need in the event of a(nother) catastrophe. It includes essentials like this foil wrapped brick that is supposed to be food, a couple mouthfuls of water in some pouches, a blanket in case I want to just say fuck it and lie down for a nap and a face mask made out of tissue paper. If they had asked me I would have suggested just putting a parachute and a inflatable raft in there and calling it a day. Well they didn't. Either way, seeing all the families and officials downtown today reminded me there is something going on today that does not involve Sarah Palin. Hard to believe but true. So lets just take a moment for that, the catastrophe, the fucking nightmare of a wrong war that resulted, and the list goes on........

An absolute world.........

Flavorpill, the social planner for all those who live in metropolitan areas and are lazy started this blog for some reason that I can't quite discern. That aside......I likely. I think this way all the time, things that would happen in my absolute world. Things like:

• People would always stand up on the subway to let pregnant women sit down instead of staring at them with glassy eyes.
• Rich women wouldn't ask poor homeless men what they plan on spending the dollar they just asked them for on.
  
• Sarah Palin would come out as a lesbian, begin dating Oprah and start a worldwide campaign to pray in the gay.
• George Bush would be forced to spend the next five years living in the ninth ward in New Orleans working for minimum wage at McDonalds.

That's just the tip. In your absolute world.......

Golden Showers Afterhours

This story is so amazing. TINKLES!!!!!!

Old Friends

Sometimes, you have friends come to visit who you haven't seen in years. Friends, who the last time you were together got drunk threw iron's at each others heads and then took off all their clothes to t-bag each other. Well, when you see friends like these the thing to do is all climb into the shorts that one of them wore while getting a happy ending massage at a brothel in vietnam and then just hold each other. Because life is good.

Emo Trainwreak

As someone who is well versed in the art of the complete psychotic melt down, I just thank god none of mine have been....oh I don't know. Captured on camera, posted on you tube and spread all throughout the lands. Although getting drunk and telling Elton John to fuck off does make for a good conversation piece.

Lets have a movement: ihatesarahpalin.com

I hate Sarah Palin. She embodies everything that is wrong with America and all the worst parts about having a vagina. As I was thinking about how we all need to come together to ruin this woman's political career I suddenly remembered this little movie that came out recently and its marketing campaign. Suddenly, I realized what I needed to create and someone else needed to pay for.

A Week of Primetime Sacrilege

Sacrilege: the violation or profanation of anything sacred or held sacred.

• 90210 (the remake): How is this possible? It is a complete violation of my trust in the Spelling empire. I thought it would be bad but the blow job that occurred in the first five minutes really sealed the deal. Ok, I was momentarily excited by the appearance of Brenda and Kelly but that quickly went south. Particularly when I was reading an interview with Shannon Dougharty in some magazine in my therapists office about the evolution of Brenda. WTF I LOVED Beverly Hills 90210. Brenda is not a person she is an insane hormonal rage. She doesn't get to evolve she needs to remain trapped in eternal teenage angst while wearing horrible nineties leggings. They are ruining it. Hateful.

• The X files: Part of what made it so great, other than the fact that they were willing to make shows about the most fucked up thing you could possibly think of, was the unresolved sexual tension between Scully and Mulder. Well now we all know DD is some kind of wacko perverted sex addict which means he definitely bagged the fire crotch. Is nothing sacred? I didn't even know that had rehab for sex addicts....do you think a relapse is when you bang the nurse or does that include getting caught in the middle of a circle jerk in the closet with the other residents.....

WaterGate

On Saturday I made myself have an educational/cultural/wallow in guilt over my life of privilege experience. I.e. I went to see a documentary on Katrina, Trouble the Water, at the IFC. It was outstanding and I sobbed like a baby through the whole thing. Everyone needs to see this movie. For those of you who are thinking I cannot sit through another hour and half of people wadding through water or waving flags on their roofs this is completely different. Watch the trailer, watch the movie, and then tell me how amazing it is. The end.

I was playing with mine at the same time

That's the title of the email that my friend Randy just sent me. Along with this picture. Clearly I am not alone and Randy and I will soon be starting a club. I was going to say a club of people who play with animals but that just sounds wrong.....hmmmm anywho. Thank you to Randy who made me laugh tonight.

My Special Friend

On Friday I got drunk with this hedgehog. I told her all about my relationship problems and she stuck her head in this toilet paper roll and pushed it around for awhile. It was all pretty profound. Then I tried to hold her, because thats what you do with spiny, spiky hedgehogs, you hold them when you are drunk.

5 Things Everyone Should Know about Sarah Palin

I read this in people this morning, yes I read people and I didn't feel like it really captured all the things we need to know about SP so I added a few of my own.



This is a picture of SP with her potential presidential cabinet.

1. She loves Baby Jesus.
2. She doesn't believe in abortion and thinks that everyone should be popping out enough babies to populate the Alaskan wilderness regardless of whether we want to or not.
3. She is actually a pioneer woman that they brought back to life using science
4. She was created by a 21 year old conservative republican during a political wet dream
5. She is clear evidence that John McCain is senile
   

Another Reason to Love Barbie

I don't know why but I think this picture is hysterical. I think it is some combination of their facial expressions and the mental image it gives me of him reeling that fish in on a Barbie rod.

Number Two

While watching Hilary's speech last night I had an Al Gore moment. That moment when I was watching a talk of his on the environment and I realized that Gore was not in fact a life sized manbot sent to us from the land of intrepid boredom. It was as if someone has inserted electronic probes into his anal cavity and suddenly zapped him back to life.

Three gun salute to Hilary and her bizarre orange pantsuit that made her look like the convention was a quick stop on her way to a fantastic Indian wedding. The speech was actually, if I must admit, moving and relevant. I even enjoyed her video montage, capped off by a sweet introduction by her daughter, and her daughter's blindingly white teeth, which by the way can someone tell her to send her dad some of her crest white strips because his chompers looked an unhealthy shade of yellow.

I couldn't help but think, if only I have heard that type of speech sooner I might have taken her candidacy a little more seriously. ahh well luckily I only have the ability to ponder things for about five seconds before I move on to my next thought but before I do….. Here is a quote that I found on line that I thought was something that Hilary really needs to hear and some commentator last night should have said.

SinisterRouge at 08:59 AM

• Holy fuck. I mean next thing you know she'll have to be driving the van around town on Nov 4 to make sure her supporters go and vote for Obama on that Tuesday. Holy shit. No one has ever expected this much from the fucking second place finisher. And no second place finisher has ever delivered as much as she has. Can't she just chill in Chappaqua now? FUCK.

I just had to post this fabulous cartoon because while I don't think it was intentional it makes Bill Clinton look like an angry gay fairy who turns Barak into a trannie princess. Wow, that's so amazing.

Last Words

I want to send my ex a postcard with nothing written on the back except.


YOU HORRIFY ME.

and this picture I drew him.

West Indian Day Bonanza

Its labor day again which means two things. One, you have to put away those white pants that you bought at Daffy's thinking it was a steal when really they just made your cottage cheese look three dimensional. Two its time to roll on down to the Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn to watch the West Indian Day Parade. Highlights from last year included rum, dancing in the street, rum, cow's foot soup, rum, more sequins than a drag show, rum. Need I really say more. I wanted to post a video of a street party down in St. Vincent in honor of this special day but google video foiled me. Will have to attempt again later. Instead I am posting this picture of a lovely friend that I made there who was really excited about his new friend, Mr. Board. Strong rum can help you to make friends with anything.



In an unrelated note, I am watching the DNC and they just said there are a group of people who are here to hear Hilary speak and they will be sitting to my right in Hilary's box. Places you don't want to be sitting without a full body bio hazard suit. On a positive note they just showed the lucky group and it seems Bill is sitting in her box.

My Weekend

Here is a very brief recap of the weekend (I am including this morning because it was appalling and falls into the general misery that constituted the weekend)

· I told my ex-boyfriend I never wanted to speak to him again. Which was interesting because at that very moment he was doing what he typically does when I try to discuss anything that might remotely resemble a feeling with him. Not speaking. I wish our conversation had a gone a little bit more like this because then at least it would have been funny and I could have been Anna Farris for about 3 minutes and 50 seconds.

· My sister broke up with her girlfriend who is also my business partner.

· I woke up this morning to a very loud crash which I assumed was a car accident. Since I was already awake I decided to go downstairs to get some milk for my cereal. As I was crossing the street I came across a shoe on the cross walk and realized that there was something on the ground about twenty feet away. Turns out it wasn't a car accident but someone getting hit by a car, flying twenty feet through the air and then having a dumpster dropped on them. It was pretty much the worst thing I have ever seen.

Sincerely Debbie Downer

Presidential Pussys

This video is amazing. I can't believe they found a cat to play Obama that looks just like him. How did they do that?

H-Bomb

I had a realization the other day as I was reading yet another op-ed about how Hilary Clinton is scheming for ways to undermine Barak Obama's campaign. I had no problem with her campaigning when she was an actual candidate but now that we have all voted and decided we don't want her to be president she needs to stop. Then I started to realize that this story sounded vaguely familar. When had we heard this before? Then it came to me, Hilary Clinton is Stacy from Wayne's World. Hilary take note, we don't care how many necklaces or gun racks you give us because news flash, we broke up.

Lets Talk about Apps Man

Ok I have recently been doing some long delayed investigative work into new applications that I can be obsessed with for about a week and then forget about. Check them out.

This one is fab for all my musical friends out there. And when I say musical I don't mean my sister who gets hammered and then sits in the living room with her bongo drum and her mini steel drum making sweet tunes.

www.iconcertcal.com/-

This is a free plug in for your itunes. It is super easy to download and takes like seconds to install. It works with your itunes to find all the upcoming concerts in your area for the musicians you have in your library. Yay…..

www.mint.com

This site is excellent for anal rententive money managers like my sister. It allows you to give it access to all your financial accounts (credit cards, bank accounts, loans) and then it lets you know all kinds of neat things like where you can save money, where most of your money goes, what your cash flow is. Etc. this is a relatively depressing thing for me to look at since I have no money because I make no money but hey at least it tells me about my own poverty using lovely pink graphs.

**Naturally some of you are reading this and getting all jacked up because of potential security breaches. I say be bold. Read the security articles out there, most of them say its pretty iron clad but there is always a risk. No more risky than the last hipster outfit you bought at American Apparel.

https://www.google.com/health

This my friends is a hypercondriacs wet dream. Are you in the midst of a hideous medical crisis? Have you switched doctors like fifty times in the past three years and have no fucking clue where your records are? Do you simply like to watch you health like the stock market? This app allows you to enter in all your relevant medical history for endless (although not completely secure probably but what is have you seen some of the secretaries at your doctor's office) access on the web.

www.mydamnchannel.com/Big_Fat_Brain/You_Suck_at_Photoshop/YouSuckatPhotoshop1_398.aspx

For some of us, the ability to open an adobe program immediately leads people to believe we know what the fuck we are doing when it comes to graphic design. Minor problem for me since I really have no idea. Simple tasks can take me hours and by the end of it I want to slingshot my computer out the window and go back to the days when paint by numbers could be framed and placed in your living room as art. If you are like me, or if you simply have a sense of humor you need to watch this because it if f'ing hilarious. This man is so angry it makes me smile, particularly the second one where he goes on this rant about this stupid cat his wife adopted that pees shit on his carpet. Truly genius. Oh yeah, and he does a good job of explaining things in photoshop too.

Me and Mister Mike

I thought I would start this blog of with a repeat of the group email that I sent around about my amazing first encounter with the Mayor, know as Mister Mike.

So last night I met the mayor for about .2 seconds. I got to get my picture taken with him because I am an intern. There were about 1000 of us so they created a human conveyor belt. There was even a woman whose job it was to raise your hand and place it in the mayors. Apparently to save time in the event that your arm muscles gave out. I felt violated and it left me wondering if there would be someone to wipe for me in the bathroom. The whole event was Hawaiian themed and I went up to a man at the entrance handing out cheap plastic leis and asked him if he was going to lay me. Based on his reaction (his eyes widened, the glazed over and his jaw went slack) I determined the answer was no and lei'ed myself. Then I went and got a heaping plate of BBQ food and began chatting with a group of interns I didn't know. That lasted about five minutes until I decided the pickle on my plate wasn't actually food and fired it over my shoulder into the hedge. At which point they moved away like a herd of startled wilderbeast.

All in all a raging success.