Congratulations....your money is still on fire

Now that your money has all been flushed down the shitter by the tanking of the stock market you are probably wondering how to make a make/save a few bucks. Here's a few tips from Salon and yours truly.

10 - Have sex with Brittney Spears and then sell the tape for money

9 - Bet your money on America, and the rest of the free world's political future.

8 - Cats make good eatin'.

7 - Here's a cost-saving tip: your "recreational" cocaine habit can easily be replaced with huffing glue.

6 - Remember saying this? "If I didn't have to work all day, I'd have the energy and enthusiasm to write that novel." Congratulations!

5 - Although pimping looks like a good cash-n-carry business to get into, remember you are not the only one who thought of it. It might be a good idea to form a syndicate with other new pimps in your neighborhood to save costs on fur-covered cowboy hats and shiny pants.

4 - You can break into most mom-n-pop pharmacies with nothing more than a crowbar and a little sweat. Move fast; you only have approximately 4 - 8 minutes before the police show up.

3 - A little etiquette can pay big dividends later: Remember to say "please" and "thank you" when committing armed robbery.

2 - Your parents never use that home-gym equipment - do not take their protestations that they have re-modeled your old room too seriously.

1 - Although a hand-cranked siphoning pump seems like an extravagance in these times, the taste of gasoline is very unpleasant. Don't consider this to be an 'expense' so much as an 'investment.'

Stealing

STEALING FROM THE RICH from ABOVE on Vimeo.

New York City is a place of a million contradictions. A place where the big swinging dicks of wall street go downtown to spend thousands of dollars to play in the box. It is also the place where men wheel giant towers of mismatched belongings plucked from the trash in urban mobile homes courtesy of home depot. Everyday on the subway I watch people turn away from the poor, the addicted and the homeless. No doubt thinking to themselves that giving them a dollar is a waste because its just going to get them another hit. As if they can exist on air and crack alone. Usually they just turn away from the disinterest, the scorn and sometimes even people's fear. But sometimes, they don't. Those are the rare and wonderful times and I was lucky enough to see one just the other day.

I was riding the train to the upper west side standing next to this tall blonde woman in some hideous outfit that was supposed to look expensive. At the next stop a woman got on the train, looking like a complete mess. She was filthy, her clothes didn't fit her, and she was cut all over. She began by asking the train for a couple dollars to get some food. As I began rooting through my things for a dollar I noticed that the blonde was frantically trying to edge away from this woman. Clearly, the woman noticed as well and she started say VERY loudly. "You don't have to run away from me. I am just a human being, just like you and what I have is not contagious." Apparently the shock of all this over powered the blonde's recent botox treatments because I actually saw her face move as she continued to inch away. At this point we reached the next stop and as people got off the blonde rushed down the train car and sat in an open seat. Undeterred the woman followed her loudly repeating a variation on the don't run away from me theme. At this point the entire car was silent and watching as the woman towered over the blonde. She leaned down into the blondes face with her finger extended and said...."you should be fucking ashamed of yourself to treat me like this". Then she stood up and walked away.

The Palin and McCain Dong Show

Sarah Palin may not be have any foreign policy experience but she sure knows her geography.


Watch CBS Videos Online

I also think I figured out what is making its nest inside Sarah Palin's hair helmet.

Also, thank you Letterman for reminding us of what a complete idiot McCain is for acting like his is the one man calvary that is going to give the economy mouth to mouth resuscitation. And for pointing out, at least twenty three times in two minutes, that Sarah Palin's own campaign won't even put her in charge.

Do your duty. Watch the debates.

Gas Bags Part Deux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm2DcWerIVg

In light of all the economic and political disasters that are upon us, I would like to talk about the very weighty topic of farting. Why is farting so funny? My dad is 60 years old and he still thinks that one of the funniest things is when he runs up to my mom while she is watching t.v. and farts on her head. He is also a huge fan of farting in public, like lifting his leg and letting it rip, in elevators, in restaurants, really anywhere. The central place that farting has occupied in their marriage is probably what led my mother to send me this article. I think it was her attempt to warn me, that when it comes to breaking wind, there are risks involved. Risks to your underwear, risks to the air quality of others around you, and as this article shows, risks to your freedom.

Love at First Sight

I don't know if I want to be Hank, date Hank, or I wish Hank had been my dad. Thank god for therapy.

Gas Bags

I heart these guys.

Pray in the Gay

A few notables in the land of homodome.

• Brad Pitt donates money to help fight the haters in California. Thanks Brad, now can you do us another favor and stop bogarting Angelina. You can keep the kids.

• Anderson Cooper has a harem. Can you please come out already, your f'ing killing us? Everyone knows your a homo. Could you just take one for the team and let the public know that yes, gay men can do serious news.
  

• Some guy who is either a total pervert or has the best sense of humor ever is rewriting Brokeback Mountain. This time set in NYC, here's an excerpt.

"In my Brokeback slash fiction, Jack and Ennis move to Brooklyn, buy a pug that they like to dress in sweaters and take on the subway and to people's houses where it chases the cats and bites people but they don't realize how annoying this is it because it's their child-substitute. Jack gets a design degree at Parson's and starts his own decorating firm and Ennis works in media. Ennis becomes pedantic about wine. Jack takes vacations by himself. The end."

Ihatesarahpalin.com : The Weekly Round-up

• Alaska held its biggest political rally ever. With 1,400 people this massive show of force stretched for about 50 yards down the side of the road by the library. And they say public engagement in this country is dead. What prompted Alaskans to but down their moose pillows and venture out into the spotlight. A common hatred of Sarah Palin! Yay Alaska.

• Sarah Palin had her yahoo account hacked. What a dick.

• Even John McCain's Victory manager ex CEO Carly doesn't think Palin is "qualified" per se.
  

• Now Matt Damon is concerned. Thank you Matt for comparing the candidacy of Sarah Palin to a bad Disney movie and gently reminding us that perhaps giving her the nuclear codes is not the way forward.

And now for the fun stuff

• If you were one of Sarah's brainwashed offspring, what would she have named you?

• The are now Sarah Palin "action" figures. If by action you mean a vagina lined with teeth just waiting to eat Ken's head.
  

Thank you Laura, Matt, Joanna and Beth.........this stuffs the jam.

The Fallen

I unexpectedly came across this article today, about a reporter who was trying to find the name of one of the unknown men who jumped from the world trade towers on September 11th. Some of you may have seen his picture before, the one that appears at the front of the article. It was printed only once in most of the major newspapers and then removed. Apparently due to outcry and the decision by the media that it was too graphic and disrespectful for America to see and them to show. This doesn't surprise me. America has never wanted to look too closely at suffering.

The picture is difficult to look at even after so many years. It is amazing how one picture of one man can become a symbol of so much to so many. I think the picture is a looking glass of sorts, in it you see a reflection of some part of yourself. When I see it, I think of all the difficult and heart wrenching choices that I have made in my life and watched people I know make in theirs. Choices that changed things so dramatically and that once committed you couldn't turn back from. Choices that people make every day. That are impossible to know, before you make them, what the effects will be not only on your life but on those who your life touches, and even those who bear witness to the choice.

This is what the author saw. But maybe he didn't jump from the window as a betrayal of love or because he lost hope. Maybe he jumped to fulfill the terms of a miracle. Maybe he jumped to come home to his family. Maybe he didn't jump at all, because no one can jump into the arms of God.

What do you see.......

Boys Who Hit Girls

Recently a girl I went to high school with got married. A lot of my friends from high school went because apparently they all made some secret pact that I was not part of that has something to do with needing to marry a guy you went to high school with. Its kind of like they think they are royalty but haven't got the memo on the effects of inbreeding. Either way, I wasn't invited. I can think of two potential reasons for this.

1. I slept with the bride. Although so did half the grooms wedding party so that probably wasn't the issue*
2. My ex was there with his new girlfriend whose picture I just saw for the first time. Let me put it this way, its not often that you get to see your first picture of your ex's new person and they look like....well let me put it this way, I'm sure she is a very nice girl. When those moments come, savor them.

*None of this is to imply there is anything wrong with having a healthy sex life. If I got into finger pointing over numbers, lets face it....hello this is pot to kettle. Come in. Really I am just setting the stage for the events of the night.

At said wedding after party, an unfortunate incident took place where the boyfriend of a girl I grew up with threatened to punch her in the face. He then proceeded to grab her by the arm and throw her down. Guess what everyone did...all thirty of them, many of whom have also grown up with this girl. Nothing. With the glaring exception of this guy who shall remain nameless but let me just say is one of the best men I know. My point in all this is, if you see a girl getting hit, if you think a girl is getting hit...DON'T JUST STAND THERE. If you do, you are an asshole.

What's the Stock Market?

I just want to pause for a moment today and reflect. How often are there days when I am actually grateful that all I own in the world is in my checking account and the idea of watching stocks fluctuate because I actually own them is laughable? A day when I try to see "both sides" and figure out why I should be feeling bad that the frat boy finance wonders of wall street are going to get laid off by the thousands. (After extensive internet based research I came to the conclusion that this actually may be bad for the city because now we can't tax the crap out of their ridiculously high wages). Either way....no matter how many benjamins you have in the bank, loosing your job just blows. So this goes out to all my pinstripe wearing, company lunch eating, black car taking, hommies from the streets of lower Manhattan. Keep on keeping on.

Sarah Palin takes the short bus to the White House

As I was reading the times this morning while laying on the sand like a hung over octopus, I found yet another article about how Sarah Palin is an insane harpy. I was so pissed I jumped up and attempted to cool my jets in the ocean. An attempt which was quickly thwarted by a jelly fish the size of Rhode Island that I saw blobbing its way towards my lower leg. Being mindful of my last jellyfish experience, which involved an unpleasantly stinging labia, I quickly ran away from the water towards my towel. As I flopped down in disgust I was greeted by a lovely sight. The man on the chair in front of me had on little swim trucks that were so tight his balls were poking out the sides gasping for air. Needless to say it made me wonder if jellyfish weren't so bad after all.

Some how Sarah Palin was to blame for all of it, the jellyfish, the balls.....and so I am posting this clip as part of my commitment to start the I HATE SARAH PALIN movement, now also known as the I love Tina Fey movement. Try to get past the first couple seconds. You know its getting good when Sarah Palin tells us that global warming is just god hugging us tight......kind of like that man's shorts on the beach today.

Put on your purple sneakers and lace up

America needs to lay off the kool aid. Why, because some psychotic moose hunting douche bag has a potential shot at getting into the white house. This is so fundamentally fucked up and wrong it makes me want to move to Kazakhstan and have babies with a goat. Its a stark reminder that we live in a world where completely unqualified lunatic Christan girl scout leaders can become important and old men can drive for three miles with a person stuck in their windshield because they think they fell out of the sky. If this is all making you want to crawl in a hole and pee yourself for comfort, don't worry. I'm right there with you.

September 11th among other things

I am currently working in downtown York City, a couple blocks from the World Trade Center. I have a red backpack under my desk to account for my proximity. It contains everything that the city thinks I need in the event of a(nother) catastrophe. It includes essentials like this foil wrapped brick that is supposed to be food, a couple mouthfuls of water in some pouches, a blanket in case I want to just say fuck it and lie down for a nap and a face mask made out of tissue paper. If they had asked me I would have suggested just putting a parachute and a inflatable raft in there and calling it a day. Well they didn't. Either way, seeing all the families and officials downtown today reminded me there is something going on today that does not involve Sarah Palin. Hard to believe but true. So lets just take a moment for that, the catastrophe, the fucking nightmare of a wrong war that resulted, and the list goes on........

An absolute world.........

Flavorpill, the social planner for all those who live in metropolitan areas and are lazy started this blog for some reason that I can't quite discern. That aside......I likely. I think this way all the time, things that would happen in my absolute world. Things like:

• People would always stand up on the subway to let pregnant women sit down instead of staring at them with glassy eyes.
• Rich women wouldn't ask poor homeless men what they plan on spending the dollar they just asked them for on.
  
• Sarah Palin would come out as a lesbian, begin dating Oprah and start a worldwide campaign to pray in the gay.
• George Bush would be forced to spend the next five years living in the ninth ward in New Orleans working for minimum wage at McDonalds.

That's just the tip. In your absolute world.......

Golden Showers Afterhours

This story is so amazing. TINKLES!!!!!!

Old Friends

Sometimes, you have friends come to visit who you haven't seen in years. Friends, who the last time you were together got drunk threw iron's at each others heads and then took off all their clothes to t-bag each other. Well, when you see friends like these the thing to do is all climb into the shorts that one of them wore while getting a happy ending massage at a brothel in vietnam and then just hold each other. Because life is good.

Emo Trainwreak

As someone who is well versed in the art of the complete psychotic melt down, I just thank god none of mine have been....oh I don't know. Captured on camera, posted on you tube and spread all throughout the lands. Although getting drunk and telling Elton John to fuck off does make for a good conversation piece.

Lets have a movement: ihatesarahpalin.com

I hate Sarah Palin. She embodies everything that is wrong with America and all the worst parts about having a vagina. As I was thinking about how we all need to come together to ruin this woman's political career I suddenly remembered this little movie that came out recently and its marketing campaign. Suddenly, I realized what I needed to create and someone else needed to pay for.

A Week of Primetime Sacrilege

Sacrilege: the violation or profanation of anything sacred or held sacred.

• 90210 (the remake): How is this possible? It is a complete violation of my trust in the Spelling empire. I thought it would be bad but the blow job that occurred in the first five minutes really sealed the deal. Ok, I was momentarily excited by the appearance of Brenda and Kelly but that quickly went south. Particularly when I was reading an interview with Shannon Dougharty in some magazine in my therapists office about the evolution of Brenda. WTF I LOVED Beverly Hills 90210. Brenda is not a person she is an insane hormonal rage. She doesn't get to evolve she needs to remain trapped in eternal teenage angst while wearing horrible nineties leggings. They are ruining it. Hateful.

• The X files: Part of what made it so great, other than the fact that they were willing to make shows about the most fucked up thing you could possibly think of, was the unresolved sexual tension between Scully and Mulder. Well now we all know DD is some kind of wacko perverted sex addict which means he definitely bagged the fire crotch. Is nothing sacred? I didn't even know that had rehab for sex addicts....do you think a relapse is when you bang the nurse or does that include getting caught in the middle of a circle jerk in the closet with the other residents.....

WaterGate

On Saturday I made myself have an educational/cultural/wallow in guilt over my life of privilege experience. I.e. I went to see a documentary on Katrina, Trouble the Water, at the IFC. It was outstanding and I sobbed like a baby through the whole thing. Everyone needs to see this movie. For those of you who are thinking I cannot sit through another hour and half of people wadding through water or waving flags on their roofs this is completely different. Watch the trailer, watch the movie, and then tell me how amazing it is. The end.

I was playing with mine at the same time

That's the title of the email that my friend Randy just sent me. Along with this picture. Clearly I am not alone and Randy and I will soon be starting a club. I was going to say a club of people who play with animals but that just sounds wrong.....hmmmm anywho. Thank you to Randy who made me laugh tonight.