Congratulations....your money is still on fire

Now that your money has all been flushed down the shitter by the tanking of the stock market you are probably wondering how to make a make/save a few bucks. Here's a few tips from Salon and yours truly.

10 - Have sex with Brittney Spears and then sell the tape for money

9 - Bet your money on America, and the rest of the free world's political future.

8 - Cats make good eatin'.

7 - Here's a cost-saving tip: your "recreational" cocaine habit can easily be replaced with huffing glue.

6 - Remember saying this? "If I didn't have to work all day, I'd have the energy and enthusiasm to write that novel." Congratulations!

5 - Although pimping looks like a good cash-n-carry business to get into, remember you are not the only one who thought of it. It might be a good idea to form a syndicate with other new pimps in your neighborhood to save costs on fur-covered cowboy hats and shiny pants.

4 - You can break into most mom-n-pop pharmacies with nothing more than a crowbar and a little sweat. Move fast; you only have approximately 4 - 8 minutes before the police show up.

3 - A little etiquette can pay big dividends later: Remember to say "please" and "thank you" when committing armed robbery.

2 - Your parents never use that home-gym equipment - do not take their protestations that they have re-modeled your old room too seriously.

1 - Although a hand-cranked siphoning pump seems like an extravagance in these times, the taste of gasoline is very unpleasant. Don't consider this to be an 'expense' so much as an 'investment.'

Stealing

STEALING FROM THE RICH from ABOVE on Vimeo.

New York City is a place of a million contradictions. A place where the big swinging dicks of wall street go downtown to spend thousands of dollars to play in the box. It is also the place where men wheel giant towers of mismatched belongings plucked from the trash in urban mobile homes courtesy of home depot. Everyday on the subway I watch people turn away from the poor, the addicted and the homeless. No doubt thinking to themselves that giving them a dollar is a waste because its just going to get them another hit. As if they can exist on air and crack alone. Usually they just turn away from the disinterest, the scorn and sometimes even people's fear. But sometimes, they don't. Those are the rare and wonderful times and I was lucky enough to see one just the other day.

I was riding the train to the upper west side standing next to this tall blonde woman in some hideous outfit that was supposed to look expensive. At the next stop a woman got on the train, looking like a complete mess. She was filthy, her clothes didn't fit her, and she was cut all over. She began by asking the train for a couple dollars to get some food. As I began rooting through my things for a dollar I noticed that the blonde was frantically trying to edge away from this woman. Clearly, the woman noticed as well and she started say VERY loudly. "You don't have to run away from me. I am just a human being, just like you and what I have is not contagious." Apparently the shock of all this over powered the blonde's recent botox treatments because I actually saw her face move as she continued to inch away. At this point we reached the next stop and as people got off the blonde rushed down the train car and sat in an open seat. Undeterred the woman followed her loudly repeating a variation on the don't run away from me theme. At this point the entire car was silent and watching as the woman towered over the blonde. She leaned down into the blondes face with her finger extended and said...."you should be fucking ashamed of yourself to treat me like this". Then she stood up and walked away.

The Palin and McCain Dong Show

Sarah Palin may not be have any foreign policy experience but she sure knows her geography.


Watch CBS Videos Online

I also think I figured out what is making its nest inside Sarah Palin's hair helmet.

Also, thank you Letterman for reminding us of what a complete idiot McCain is for acting like his is the one man calvary that is going to give the economy mouth to mouth resuscitation. And for pointing out, at least twenty three times in two minutes, that Sarah Palin's own campaign won't even put her in charge.

Do your duty. Watch the debates.

Gas Bags Part Deux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm2DcWerIVg

In light of all the economic and political disasters that are upon us, I would like to talk about the very weighty topic of farting. Why is farting so funny? My dad is 60 years old and he still thinks that one of the funniest things is when he runs up to my mom while she is watching t.v. and farts on her head. He is also a huge fan of farting in public, like lifting his leg and letting it rip, in elevators, in restaurants, really anywhere. The central place that farting has occupied in their marriage is probably what led my mother to send me this article. I think it was her attempt to warn me, that when it comes to breaking wind, there are risks involved. Risks to your underwear, risks to the air quality of others around you, and as this article shows, risks to your freedom.

Love at First Sight

I don't know if I want to be Hank, date Hank, or I wish Hank had been my dad. Thank god for therapy.

Gas Bags

I heart these guys.

Pray in the Gay

A few notables in the land of homodome.

• Brad Pitt donates money to help fight the haters in California. Thanks Brad, now can you do us another favor and stop bogarting Angelina. You can keep the kids.

• Anderson Cooper has a harem. Can you please come out already, your f'ing killing us? Everyone knows your a homo. Could you just take one for the team and let the public know that yes, gay men can do serious news.
  

• Some guy who is either a total pervert or has the best sense of humor ever is rewriting Brokeback Mountain. This time set in NYC, here's an excerpt.

"In my Brokeback slash fiction, Jack and Ennis move to Brooklyn, buy a pug that they like to dress in sweaters and take on the subway and to people's houses where it chases the cats and bites people but they don't realize how annoying this is it because it's their child-substitute. Jack gets a design degree at Parson's and starts his own decorating firm and Ennis works in media. Ennis becomes pedantic about wine. Jack takes vacations by himself. The end."